Crashing through....

It has been a while since I have written - or had space or even need to write and indeed, at this point, it is a hard decision to attempt to encapsulate the past few months in a digestible form as, for the last month at least, it has felt pretty hard to swallow at times...

I feel it is true to say that this has been a bit of a rough patch and at times my heart has felt heavy. The root of this melancholy seems to have come from some profound confrontations with uncertainty (car accidents, leaving familiar places, new cities, new relationships,…) that have given free reign to habits, mental and emotional, (doubt, fear, victim-hood to name a few) so intent on resurrecting and re-embracing demons of the past. That is not to say that since April, when I last wrote, life has been without its beauty, love or peace. Indeed, during my time in Melbourne I was particularly busy, feeling ‘utilised’ and ‘useful. It is perhaps the come-down from this which forms part of my current struggle; taking me full circle since the start of this blog - from being to doing and now back to being again. The problem is that at times I am not keen on this being right now and it is the fight, this resistance, to the way it is which leaves me somewhat weary, worn and a tad philosophical.

So, as indicated in my last entry I came back to Melbourne in late March and, with some fortitude, perseverance and 'luck', was able to launch into two jobs. Teaching a ‘hand-made’ course on religion to a few local guinea pigs (well they were humans but you know what I mean) and beginning a 10-week consultancy job with Collins Street Baptist church undertaking a ‘feasibility study’ - exploring how they could extend their ministry further into the heart of the city.

It is hard to summarise the experience working of for the church, but it was like no other job I have done before and touched me in a profound way; mainly through the people I worked with and met during the process. During this time, working for God, I was prayed for (for the work mainly, not my soul...that would have been a big job!)and given the opportunity to consult with the congregation and staff team - ‘experimenting on them’ at will! I was listened to, debated with, challenged and supported. In short, my last 3 months in Melbourne involved a lot of hard work tinged with some periods of sadness and grief, making some good friends, trying my hand at writing and delivering a course and embracing the increasing winter days and long nights. There were some real highlights and a lone visit to Tasmania was perhaps the top. Three days walking (in the snow!) in Cradle Mountain national park; the wilderness humbling and epic, this serjione into nature helped calm an increasingly frazzled soul and gave a brief glimpse into the sheer beauty of Tasmania, Australia’s ‘natural state’. Sadly, like other parts of the country, Tasmania is being threatened by logging and mining interests, supported by an ignorant, arrogant and worn-out government. Politricks eh.

However, while I only left Melbourne a month ago it seems like a lifetime has passed. As you may note, I have mostly fond memories of my time there and, as a city, it is rich, diverse and welcoming. Similar to Glasgow, where I went to University, I felt at home amongst its wide streets, ‘old’ buildings, art and coffee culture. Yet all good things come to an end and with contracts finished, the 10 week whirlwind tour through the six-major world religions and some feasibility explored I got my ‘new’ van ready, life packed up and was ready to go. The time for the long-lost boyfriend to come back to Australia was imminent and it was, apparently, time to move on.

It is hard not to consume the rest of this entry with words such as ‘nevertheless’, ‘furthermore’ and ‘hence’, ‘thus’, ‘however’ etc… It has been pretty much like that. Therefore…on my final weekend in Melbourne, after my leaving meal with friends; following a brief spell dancing at a local night spot, I got in a car with an old colleague Thomas, we pulled out of the road and a car went into us. Bang! Just like that. Fortunately all those involved were ok. I do like to make an impact but this was a shocker….Thus…three days before I was due to drive to Sydney, to meet Brent (whom had been cycling across Sweden not speaking to anyone for six weeks) I got bad whiplash, lost my nerve and ended up buying him a ticket to come to Melbourne to drive with me…from then on, I’m afraid, my ‘luck’ has not improved enormously and a series of events let loose like a carefully stacked domino set seemingly all toppling down spurred on by the previous…

[N.B. In the last few days (touch wood, Enshalla, God willing…) I may have just turned a slightly sunnier corner but I ain’t counting my ‘chooks’ yet…!!]

Karma, the laws of physics, the Tao of Pooh….every action has a consequence, an equal and opposite reaction, one choice leads to another, push one domino and, in some cases, they all topple... A butterfly in Beijing makes it rain in Townsville – is that the case? This habit, of ‘it’s happening to me’ – poor me – woe is me – nasty cars, difficult partners, bad choices, death in the tarot. This habit is a powerful one but it is not really as it is. I did not make the car drive into us. I did not plan my partners severe emotional and physical jet lag. However, I did buy the crap (sorry Mitzy) van that now sits engineless in a Sydney garage (I did not do my homework properly). It got us as far as Sydney and broke down – it is still there – I am not. I am in legal dispute over it and my reaction to most of these things is the same - I want to crawl up under a rock until it all goes away!...I ‘trusted’ a used car dealer – isn’t that like shaking hands with the devil and hoping he will show you the way to paradise? I made a ‘rash decision’ – bad luck, poor me, karma….?

[Am I now pulling your heartstrings with some reverse psychology? Is this reverse victim-hood? Does this blog entry make any sense at all to anyone besides me?]

Hence I have been made aware of my existence, of my vulnerability on the physical (crash), material (van), mental (stress) and spiritual (loss of ‘faith’) plane. Most of the other stuff is emotional –in-motion – and I am in-motion (while being still of course) with it, albeit restricted due to an achy neck and stiff jaw. Oh for a non-analytical mind. Can someone find me a rock please? A big one (with a comfy bed and a hot water-bottle for my neck).

So now, physically at least, I am in far north Queensland, in Townsville – towns-town as my friend Naomi pointed out. It is pretty far away from most things (as is Australia generally) about six hours south of Cairns it is on the Great Barrier Reef it is Queensland's second city (after Brisbane. It is sprawling but quite green and pleasant with lots but also not much to do. I am here with Brent who is studying and we are staying in a rather pretty shared house - what they call the old ‘Queenslanders’- on stilts with wooden floors, a small pool, possums in the garden (and kitchen sometimes), palm trees, mangos and stained glass windows. I am looking for work, trying to allow some time to recover and enjoying the sunshine – winter is already 23-27 so summer will be an adventure.

As for the future, next steps and all that, whenever I have made plans of late they have been diverted. When my expectations have been high I have been forced to reconsider and step back. However, once I am healthy again I know I will look back at this time as a (challenging) period of growth and learning. In the thick of it it has felt like I am stuck in quick sand, sinking, and at times I have really wished to simply be sucked underground. But I am trying…back into meditation, slowing down a little, eating well and allowing myself to be nurtured; watching these events unfold, participating, yet wishing to cultivate some distance, when I can, so that the humour, the spark of something deeper in them can touch me when I least expect…

N.B 2: I could not have got through this most recent chapter (ongoing) without the support particularly of my Australian friends (or friends that are here)- and of course my mum! So a big thanks and hug to all those who have listened to me cry, scream and generally go bonkers in the past 6 weeks... your help and love has been much appreciated.